Danny Ainge joined KFANZ in Salt Lake City with Spence and Scotty on Thursday, to discuss the Boston Celtics. Ainge had this to say about his team:
“We’ve been up and down. We’ve had a lot of injuries and we just haven’t been as consistent as we would like. Some nights we’re very, very good and there are some nights where we look like we are Jurassic Park.”
Ainge turned a regular, boring Thursday into one of the best days of my life, when he publicly confirmed what I’ve always suspected: this Celtics team is not human, they’re prehistoric dinosaurs. These freaks should be studied, not put in an arena to do battle against the likes of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James.
If you’re one of those rare skeptics, who doesn’t believe these Celtics are actually dinosaurs, allow me to present a few exhibits to strengthen my (and now Danny Ainge’s) case.
The Velociraptor is a ferocious looking creature. In its prime, the Velociraptor could go up against anybody. Once out of its prime, however, the Velociraptor is forced to rely on incoherent trash talk and weak 15-footers when battling an opponent.
The most dangerous Velociraptor’s are the ones who spend the majority of their prime in a shitty environment where losing is tolerated, hell, even expected.
A Velociraptor at the tail end of its career has the urge to kill young rookies out of envy and spite, which is why it’s important for the younger generation to not make eye contact with this creature unless it’s absolutely necessary.
The Archelon is the largest, slowest, and most obese sea turtle to ever roam the earth. The amazing thing about the Archelon is how it still manages to be productive despite its extra weight and total lack of speed.
The Archelon is best known for exaggerating injuries. If you ever happen to lightly tap an Archelon, be prepared for it to fall to the ground like its just been shot by a 12 gauge shotgun. Also, don’t be surprised to see an Archelon in a wheelchair for no apparent reason. Claiming to be knocking on death’s door is commonplace for the Archelon, and no one should ever take this clown-like species seriously.
A Sleestak is a made-up creature from the 1970′s television show “Land of the Lost.” It may not be a dinosaur, but how fucking crazy is it that a Sleestak is on a team full of dinosaurs? Try to wrap your mind around that question while I fill you in on some of the Sleestak’s most fascinating characteristics.
The Sleestak is quick and has great vision. The problem with the Sleestak is it happens to be the most inaccurate creature to ever walk the earth. The next time you see a Sleestak, place it five feet in front of a barn, give it a rock, tell it to hit the barn with the rock, and then watch as the rock doesn’t land anywhere near the barn.
The Alectrosaurus is one of the most accurate creatures of all-time. It could never lead a group on its own, but the Alectrosaurus is a great addition to any already talented group.
The mother of an Alectrosaurus is extremely annoying. It is also bewildering how the Alectrosaurus’ mother looks the same age as her son, if not younger.