I’m watching tonight’s game with Limited Playmakers’ own Christopher Rawle and a few other compatriots. I don’t feel like writing a real post, so I’m just going to write a running diary where I will be jotting down whatever random thoughts come to my head, with very little editing, throughout tonight’s BYU-Utah game. Let the fun begin . . .
7:10 p.m. ESPN shows the only hot BYU chick in existence—an obvious attempt to get more people to tune into the Holy War.
7:15 p.m. ESPN welcomes a national audience to beautiful Provo, Utah. Miller Lite is the sponsor of tonight’s game. This would normally be a big no-no in Happy Valley, but Kirby Heyborne, star of the hit LDS film The RM is a Miller Lite spokesman which, by default, makes the LDS Church the official spokesman of the brew with more taste.
7:16 p.m. Our first Jimmer siting of the evening. He looks refreshed after soaking the shit out of his new fiancée for two hours before tonight’s game.
7:18 p.m. ESPN sideline reporter Jessica Mendoza is frickin’ hot. It’s not normal for BYU to get a talent like Mendoza covering one of their games. It’s usually some ugly bitch.
7:19 p.m. ESPN shows a shot of University of Utah offensive coordinator, Norm Chow, up in his booth. Chow, of course, coached at BYU for years before the Cougars decided to pick Gary Crowton as their head coach instead of Chow—a decision Chow claims was based solely on his race.
7:22 p.m. Jake Heaps looks like a dumb ass, then attempts to throw the football 15 different times before a Utah player grabs it in the end zone for the Utes’ first touchdown.
7:23 p.m. ESPN shows a close-up of BYU’s center crying after his horrible snap to Heaps, a costly mistake that just gave Utah 7 easy, early points. I know he is probably just crying about his poor snap, but it’s also possible he could still be feeling the effects of Bronco Mendenhall’s emotional fireside last night.
7:29 p.m. BYU offensive coordinator, Brandon Doman, looks like Brendan Fraser (Rawle disagrees—Google it).
7:31 p.m. ESPN cuts to Bronco reading from 3 Nephi (Google it) on the sidelines, while BYU sets up a play.
7:32 p.m. BYU commits another turnover. Bronco continues reading his scriptures while highlighting his favorite passages. He knows nothing comes before scripture study—not even football.
7:35 p.m. Utah completes a pass for a first down. A BYU player touches the ball while its still in the receiver’s hands, The Utah receiver goes down and clearly has possession of the ball. Two BYU defensive backs start waving their arms claiming the pass was incomplete. This is BYU Football.
7:40 p.m. BYU commits a helmet-to-helmet violation on a Jordan Wynn pass attempt. No call is made. Utah misses a field goal attempt far right. BYU’s crowd is filled with a bunch of far-right nut jobs. Despite the missed field goal, and against all odds, Utah still manages to win this round.
7:50 p.m. Heaps completes an insane pass to Hoffman. The BYU crowd goes nuts. I just turned to Rawle and said, “Jake Heaps will probably win the Heisman this year.” Rawle hasn’t responded.
7:51 p.m. BYU running back J.J. DiLuigi coughs up the football with BYU in the red zone, committing their third turnover of the first quarter. This is starting to feel like a trend.
7:59 p.m. Heaps completes another deep pass to Hoffman. This is a pass BYU fans will use to excuse what is looking like another terrible performance from Heaps.
8:01 p.m. Heaps looks like a dip shit. He can’t complete a simple pass. He just hit a receiver in the cleats—the receiver was five feet away.
8:03 p.m. Justin Sorensen cashes a field goal for BYU’s first points of the game. The BYU cheerleading squad knocks out three quick push-ups in the end zone before quickly returning to the sideline to lead the crowd in prayer.
8:05 p.m. After ESPN shows a shot of a bunch of Ute fans in the crowd—the least intimidating group of fans I’ve ever seen—Justin Sorensen kicks the ball out of bounds. Sorensen looked intimidated.
8:07 p.m. I should point out, I’m watching this game in a living room with five different games playing on five different televisions. Having said that, Molly Sullivan, sideline reporter for the MTN Network, is unbelievably hot. I would take her back to my BYU-approved dorm and soak her for hours.
8:09 p.m. Utah fumbles the ball to begin the second quarter. BYU celebrates like Mitt Romney just won the 2012 presidential election.
8:17 p.m. For the time being, I’ve stopped paying attention to the BYU vs. Utah game. On the biggest of the five television screens, Florida State is going against the top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners. Florida State just inserted Clint Trickett, a red shirt freshman, after their starting quarterback was knocked out of the game. Trickett’s father is Florida State’s offensive line coach. I’m a sucker for a good father-son story.
8:19 p.m. Trickett reminds me of Novak Djokovic. Like Djokovic, Trickett looks like he knows exactly what he is doing even though all of the odds are against him.
8:23 p.m. Trickett is on fire. He is my new favorite football player. Every year I pick a new college football team to root for, and it’s looking like Florida State will be my pick for 2011.
8:25 p.m. “Let’s have a real good time. Let’s have a real good time. Let’s have a real good time.” How many times can ESPN run this Dr. Pepper commercial? “Heeyyy Momma! Let’s have a real good time.”
8:30 p.m. Back to the BYU-Utah game: Heaps just threw a deep touchdown pass to Ross Apo. Brandon Doman is freaking out. A player just punched Doman and he lost his headset. Doman looks more worried about losing his job than his headset.
8:34 p.m. Jordan Wynn looks like a bitch.
8:37 p.m. Back to a game that matters: Trickett just completed a 20-yard pass. He is showing an unbelievable amount of poise. I love Clint Trickett.
8:39 p.m. Trickett’s dad is getting emotional on the sidelines. If Florida State wins this game, this is going to be the college football story of the decade (a claim I already know I’m going to regret making).
8:40 p.m. Trickett is a leader. He accepts responsibility for his actions. I just read those two sentences out loud and everyone in the room got a good laugh out of it…the problem is I wasn’t joking.
8:41 p.m. BYU gets an interception. ESPN cuts to Jimmer and T.J. Freddette loving life. My guess is T.J. is going to jimmer some unsuspecting Mormon chick really hard once this game is over.
8:45 p.m. Back to a far more important game: Trickett, my new hero, just entered the game even though starting quarterback E.J. Manuel is healthy! TRICKETT!!!!
8:48 p.m. Trickett is taking a lot of huge hits. I feel bad for the poor little guy.
8:49 p.m. Trickett shrugs off his latest takedown, takes the snap, steps back, and completes an amazing pass to tie up the game. TRICKETT!!! “Let’s have a real good time. Let’s have a real good time! Let’s have a real good time! HEEEEYYY MOMMA!!!”
8:50 p.m. Back to Happy Valley: Utah goes up by three with just seconds left in the first half.
9:04 p.m. It looks like Trickett is not going to produce the type of performance you see in the movies. It was fun while it lasted. Oklahoma has dashed Florida State’s national championship dreams and, more importantly, any chance Florida State had at being my team this year.
9:24 p.m. Jessica Mendoza is not as hot as I once thought. The BYU-Utah game is now on the big screen and her nose is just too damn big to be getting the credit I was giving her earlier.
9:29 p.m. Jordan Wynn has an hour to throw a pass and hits Anderson who makes a way slow cutback for a touchdown. Bronco Mendenhall can be seen on the sidelines writing his talk for tomorrow’s sacrament meeting.
9:40 p.m. Utah’s Petersen knocks down a field goal putting Utah ahead 24-10.
9:43 p.m. BYU dicks up another kickoff return.
10:06 p.m. Another BYU/Jake Heaps fumble.
10:13 p.m. BYU tips a Utah field goal attempt right between the uprights. BYU now trails Utah 33-10. I can’t watch this game anymore. This is embarrassing.
10:45 p.m. After searching the World Wide Web for racy Minka Kelly photos the past 30 minutes, almost as an after thought, I look up to see the final score of the BYU-Utah game: 54-10. I wonder if Bronco understands what just happened or if he is too worried about his faith, family, friends, and knowledge to even care. Either way, it looks like it’s going to be a long year for the white boys from Provo.
10:47 p.m. Goodnight, Moon.