Well, I’m back. I know, I know, I missed you too. Where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing doesn’t really matter…but I’m going to tell you anyway. Suffice it to say I’ve been working on my exterior beauty. I came to realize no one ever complains about my interior beauty—with the only exceptions being my wife, my kids, my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my friends, my extended family, and my casual acquaintances—so I figured I was doing something right in the personality department and knew I needed to start making a change where it mattered most.
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I had not set foot in a weight-training room since my sophomore year in high school. Ever since I made my triumphant return to the gym over the summer, I’ve been ripping the shit out of my muscles, running over four miles a day with my slightly retarded friend Miguel (he had an accident…it’s a long story…just don’t feel sorry for him…I hate when people start giving him sympathy), and eating only healthy foods—and only when I’m hungry and not whenever I get the urge to pound a 24-count box of Meadow Gold Ice Cream Sandwiches (an amazing feat of willpower, considering they are currently on sale at my local grocery store). The side effects have been nothing short of amazing—I’m pretty sure my dick has even grown a couple of inches (for those of you measuring at home, yes, even with the additional growth, I have yet to pass the 4″ barrier). I have more energy, I’m sleeping better, and I’m just one workout away from looking like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. (I’m still not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but I can’t wait to yell, “Can you smeeeeeeeelllllllll what The Long Ball’s cookin’” while forcing my wife—or someone she doesn’t know about—to have sex with me.)
How could my life get any better? I’ll tell you how: college football returns to a television near me this weekend, and my beloved BYU Cougars are about to bring Ole Miss God’s truth this Saturday.
“Rise and shout! The Cougars are out, along the trail to fame and glory!”
I can’t fully explain what it feels like to root for a team that plays for more than just wins and losses. It’s more than just refreshing—it’s exhilarating to know that even if we lose, we are going to heaven (aka, the Celestial Kingdom), while the other team, along with their fans, is undoubtedly going to hell (aka, the Terrestrial Kingdom, the Telestial Kingdom or, worst of all, Outer Darkness). Sure, we care about winning, but we are about so much more. We don’t just want to win games, we want to win hearts and minds.
My 2011 BYU Player of the Year (an annual award I give out to the BYU football player who distinguishes himself on and off the field…and, surprisingly, for the first time in the award’s one-year history, a player won without having to even step on the field), Daniel Sorensen, said it best in a recent interview:
“We talked about this earlier today that the purpose of BYU, and why we’re playing, and where we are trying to go with this program. It kind of fires you up; it kind of gets you excited. To go out there and play for a specific purpose of showing people that we’re playing for more than football. This is a faith-based university and we’re trying to represent that as the players and flag bearers. And what if we go out there and dominate, and people start seeing us and we put us on the map when we are on ESPN, and they start wondering who these kids are, and what they are they doing with their lives, and why are they so good? Maybe a bunch of white boys out there who go down and, you know, beat up an SEC team, a big physical team like that, and we go in there and dominate.”
Check out my man, Dan, in his own words:
Oh, um, I guess that wasn’t my good friend Dan. That was just someone who looks and acts exactly like him. Here is the real video I was referring to:
Seriously, what if a bunch of white boys go out there and dominate the college football landscape? What would that say about the world we live in? It’s a thought-provoking question and it deserves a thoughtful answer…and, really, why did I create a sports blog if not to pontificate on issues such as these?
The answer to this question is really quite simple—it’s not like college football fans are going to need a set of seer stones to read Sunday’s sports section in the newspaper. If a bunch of white boys go to Ole Miss on Saturday and dominate some heathen ass, it will clearly prove The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true church on earth, Mitt Romney deserves to be our next president and, most importantly, that God—represented by the white boys from Provo—has nothing to apologize for when it comes to just recently changing His mind about black people (refer to the first Daniel Sorensen video in this post for more details). That’s what I call a gold-plated trifecta.
I can’t wait for Saturday. I have my fridge stocked with Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, my wife is making funeral potatoes and Jell-O salad, and I have my Bronco Mendenhall-created list of BYU Football Priorities hanging on my wall (in order of importance: faith, family, knowledge, friends, soaking, Jimmer, whole-wheat bread, Donny and Marie Osmond, firesides, frozen yogurt, forgiveness, virtue, Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider, edited Nickelback, K-Swiss white shoes with dark blue jeans, choir practice, homemade ice cream, game night, Café Rio, Settlers of Catan, tunnel singing, false sense of superiority, edited R-rated movies, and playing football games with less of a focus on winning games and more of a focus on converting non-believers). For on Saturday, my Cougars head to Mississippi to, yes, play a football game—but more importantly to change the world.