Watermelon Mamba was turned on to “Let the reader beware”, an article written by ESPN’s Michael Wilbon, by our good buddy Austin. Black Butter laid out his opinions in “Fair and Balanced”, a recent post right here on limitedplaymakers.com, after a textversation with yours truly. Hansel was inspired to become a model after witnessing Derek Zoolander’s work in the winter ’95 international male catalog. Bronco Mendenhall chose to be the BYU head football coach after climbing to the top of Mt. Timpanogas, and fervently praying for 40 days and 40 nights. I am so damn inspired right now I can barely keep all of my bodily fluids to myself. It is time you learned the truth about Long Ball Larry. Prepare yourself for a serious mind f*#!.
I have been an avid Lakers fan my entire life. Magic Johnson could be the greatest basketball player ever. Growing up I used to always hang out with a kid who was around my same age and lived right next door. His dad recorded hundreds of old Lakers games during the 1980’s and early 1990’s on video cassettes. I used to love going over to his house to watch the original Showtime. I loved Kurt Rambis because he was like me, an uncoordinated white guy with a lot of heart, and an endless amount of rage. I make no apologies for supporting the Los Angeles Lakers. I will apologize for just randomly posting this video for no other reason than to gloat.
- I am the biggest Kobe Bryant apologist you will ever meet. The dude can do no wrong in my eyes. If it had been me whom he assaulted in that hotel room in Colorado, I would have just shrugged it off as him being frustrated over his recent knee surgery. In fact, I probably would have screamed this song at the top of my lungs right after the painful incident. I like Kobe Bryant for the exact reasons most people hate him. He is a total douchebag to his teammates. If you make a mistake while playing alongside Kobe he is going to make sure you hear about it. He is a total douchebag to his opponents. He doesn’t just want to beat you, he wants to rip your heart out, and eat it in front of your wife and kids. For the most part, Kobe Bryant is a total douchebag. So why am I his biggest fan? He wants to win more than anyone else in the game of basketball. He is by far the hardest working player in the NBA. He does not take a single night off. He plays through injuries that keep most players out for months. In a sport filled with underachieving superstars, I can not describe how incredible it feels to have my team’s superstar care about winning the way Kobe does. I am not one of those Kobe fans who think he is as great as Michael Jordan, but I do believe Kobe is one of the 5 best basketball players to ever put on a pair of sneakers. Kobe may be a douche, but he is my douche.
I hate any team from the city of Boston. I can not stand all of the brand new Boston Red Sox fans who jumped on their bandwagon after the 2004 season. Where were you when the Yankees were destroying the Red Sox during the previous 100 years? Curt Schilling is a raging homosexual who masks his inner hunger for penis by painting a red spot on one of his white socks just before he pitches in a big game. I hate the New England Patriots only because I hate Teddy Bruschi more than I hate shoving horse pills up my anus. I understand Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL, but that does not mean I will stop arguing Michael Vick is better every chance I get. Bill Belichick cheats to win. Yeah, I said it; everyone knows it is true too. As for the Celtics, well, I may need to devote an entire paragraph to this group of child abuse victims.
Paul Pierce has no idea how to shave his face. He is the slowest, pudgiest, weakest, most ridiculous player in the NBA. The only time Paul Pierce has ever been called fast is during sex. I would rather watch Lindsay Lohan grind up and down on Samantha Ronson than watch Paul Pierce hobble around on the court like he just injected heroin into his bloodstream. Kevin Garnett hates anyone who is currently battling cancer. Garnett also looks exactly like Jafar from the Disney movie “Aladdin”. Ray Allen’s mom is 16 years old. Someone tell me how that makes any sense at all. Rajon Rondo reminds me of a Sleestak from the T.V. show “Land of the Lost”. Kendrick Perkins is the craigslist murderer. I hate this team. Last year’s NBA Finals left me with a permanent erection. Game 7 became less about my Lakers winning, and more about the Celtics losing. I never want to see this team hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy ever again. The Boston Celtics disgust me.
- I think Lebron James is a once in a lifetime basketball talent. Unfortunately, as a die hard Kobe fan, it is my duty to bash on him whenever I get the chance. This is the way these things work. It is true Lebron played with talent equivalent to my city league team during his years in Cleveland, but this fact has never stopped me from belittling him for never winning a championship. I really do have a major problem with his decision to take his talents to Miami. Dwayne Wade is every bit as good as Lebron, possibly better, and it just makes no sense to join someone else’s basketball team when you are as talented as Lebron. He should have ended up in Chicago or New York. He would have been the unquestioned leader of either of those teams. Oh well, Lebron is a phenomenal basketball player, which is an incredible feat considering how uncoordinated he looks while playing the game, but I doubt you hear me throw many compliments his way. My membership in the Kobe Bryant fan club does not allow me to give Lebron any props. Fortunately for me he made a horrible decision over the summer, and it is now socially acceptable to diss Lebron James without fear of malice.
I hate pathetic sports controversies. For example, Cam Newton’s father asking Mississippi State’s football program for $100,000 in exchange for Cam Newton signing with their school. Cam Newton and players like him should be paid for everything they do for their school, the NCAA, and the BCS. I am tired of everyone trying to turn 21 year old kids into terrible people for taking money from people who are actually willing to pay them for their services. The NCAA, Auburn, and the BCS will all make millions of dollars this year because of Cam Newton. He should be paid for the amount of revenue he is funneling to these greedy organizations; instead we get stories about whether or not he stole a laptop. We should also remember Cam Newton allegedly had no idea his father was trying to get money from Mississippi State, and he did not end up signing with Mississippi State. Every Heisman voter who voted against Cam Newton based solely on this conjured of controversy should be ashamed.
At some point I am sure I will give you a top 5 list in the same way Black Butter laid it down in his post, but for now just know I am going to come at you with very little research, crazy analogies, expletives, sweet video links, and offensive jokes which will rarely contain any humor at all. My goal is to make the reader say, “What the f*#!?” after everything I post. It feels like we are off to a good start.